Tamworth Co-op Funeral Service Bereavement Support
Our work with bereaved families helped to win us a Good Funeral Award
Tamworth Co-operative Funeral Service supports Cruse South Staffordshire in its work with the bereaved. Tamworth Co-operative Funeral Service general manager Amanda Woodward is pictured (left) presenting Sue Williams, chair of the organisation, with a cheque for £145. The money enabled the group to set up a helpline.
We also provide assistance to the Step by Step group which supports bereaved parents in Tamworth. The group's founder Maria Holton and trained CRUSE counsellor Richard Lockwood are pictured right.
For many years now we have recognised the importance of supporting the bereaved not just with the practicalities of making funeral arrangements, but also with the emotional side of loss.
In our day-to-day contact with families we are acutely aware of the pain they are experiencing as the result of the death of someone close and naturally we want to help them as much as we can.
Sometimes simply offering a listening ear is enough to provide the comfort that people seek. Our sympathetic funeral arrangers fulfil this need constantly, but it isn’t always that straightforward.
Some people find it harder than others to cope with their grief. This is why Tamworth Co-operative Funeral Service runs a Bereavement Advice Centre where anyone, irrespective of whether they have arranged a funeral with us, can turn to for support.
Backed by the resources and caring ethos of the Tamworth Co-operative Society, we also fund the activities of the Step by Step group, which mainly works with bereaved parents, and Cruse South Staffordshire. The latter organisation has a base at our Upper Gungate premises, where it holds one-to-one specialist sessions for the bereaved, as well coffee mornings for those who prefer to meet in a group. This service is free and confidential.
The following article by Phil Shanahan about Step by Step was published in the media:
Step by Step group offers a lifeline to parents who have lost a child
The unbearable pain of losing a child can drive parents to behave in ways they could never previously have imagined.
A Stonydelph mum on hearing the news that her son had died in an accident pinched herself so hard ‘to wake herself up’ that she still bears the scars from her fingernails seven years later. She had his ashes placed in a teddy bear so he can still be present at family events and even be included on the photographs.
Step by Step group offers a lifeline to parents who have lost a child
(From l-r) Funeral staff Kat Bishop and Sue Owen are pictured with Step by Step founder Maria Holton and trained CRUSE counsellor Richard Lockwood. The picture was taken after the group was presented with marketing materials, courtesy of the Tamworth Co-operative Society.
Another local mother says she goes without food at times to fund a constant stream of flowers for her son’s grave. One parent even spent a night in a cemetery because she couldn’t bear to be separated from her child.
Typically parents who have experienced such a devastating loss are showered with love from friends and colleagues. But often they can only be truly comforted by people who have been through the same hell. Only these people fully understand why they feel and behave like they do.
That’s why Maria Holton, a mother of five, decided to set up a support group for bereaved parents in the Tamworth area.
Her life was turned upside down seven years ago when her middle son David died in a quad bike accident at the age of 20.
Maria says she simply could not cope with her loss. Prescribed drugs failed to quell her agony and there was no specialist support group for miles around.
Then she became friends with Gill Price, a Stonydelph woman whose son Daniel had died suddenly from an undiagnosed heart defect a year before David’s death. Their sons had been best mates and their tragic deaths made the two mums form a special bond.
“David was a pallbearer at Gill’s son’s funeral and she is now my rock,” said Maria who in turn has become a pillar of strength to scores of suffering parents.
“I knew her before David died, but not very well. With Gill I don’t feel alone any more. We talk and talk. We experience the same pain and can share it. It’s something other people could never fully appreciate. The death of a child is different to losing parents or grandparents. You never get over the grief, but you can learn to put it in a box at times and shut the lid on it for a while.”
Maria made it her mission to start a local support group in memory of David. She approached St Martin’s Church in Ellerbeck, Stonydelph and was pointed in the direction of Richard Lockwood, a fellow Stonydelph resident who is a trained CRUSE counsellor.
Richard was an ordained minister and the church kindly offered them a free room to meet once a month. With the blessing of CRUSE, the Step by Step support group grew from there.
Step by Step has been running for three years, helping bereaved parents from all over the Tamworth area. It is independent from the church and there is no attempt to influence members on religious matters.
Gill Price has attended from day one. Her son Daniel was 20 when he died in his sleep. She says anybody who has lost a child should not hesitate to pick up the telephone and make contact.
“The hardest part is opening up for the first time, but there is no pressure on anybody to do or say anything until they feel ready. We help each other and when you are doing that you are not thinking about yourself all the time. It’s not about moping about all the time either, sometimes we have a good laugh together.”
Members have even managed to laugh about what grief has made them do. A lack of concentration is a common symptom and creates a number of mishaps. One member caused great hilarity recently when she made a trifle with radishes instead of strawberries. Everybody found it funny… but at the same time they all understood the reason it happened.
Step by Step regulars range from a 21-year-old woman who lost her baby daughter to a pensioner struggling to get over the loss of his middle-aged son. As Maria says, “it’s still your child no matter how old he or she is – the pain remains raw.”
Stacey Kane, the youngest member, says she turned into a different person when her daughter Ava died 18 hours after she was born. She was aware of the group’s existence at the time, but couldn’t stand the thought of attending until at least a year later.
Her partner Adam Gurney attends with her and has noticed a big change in her behaviour recently.
“I also understand her issues better having listened to what people say here,” he said.
Stacey believes that without the support of the group she would never have been able to recently donate all her baby belongings to a local good cause.
“It was the right thing to do. I couldn’t keep all that stuff forever, but previously I couldn’t bear to part with any of it – even the nappies. I’m not over this – it’s not something you can ever properly get over, but coming here has helped a lot. It’s very welcoming and you are with people who understand how you feel.
“Coming to the group has helped me to deal with things. I’m learning to let go more and have started to pick up my life again.”
Tina Larvin has attended from the beginning. Her son Tom was killed in a car crash in Wales. He was a passenger in the vehicle and was just 21.
For years Tina has been consumed by shock, numbness and anger. She believes attending Step by Step has helped her deal with a crushing sense of isolation.
“When Tom was killed, the person I used to be was killed too,” she said.
“Before this group there was little support available. I got drugs from the doctor and was put on a waiting list to see a counsellor.
“I will never be the same person again. I just hibernated and lost interest in everything. Tom’s birthday is Christmas Day and his younger brother and I have not been able to celebrate Christmas since then. We don’t even acknowledge it now.
“You’re treated differently when you lose a child. People don’t know what to say to you and often ignore you. You just have bad days and worse days.
She added: “What people often fail to realise is that you are also hit hard financially. You can be off work for a long time, but still have a mortgage to pay. The funeral expenses can also be really hard to cope with. It doesn’t end there either – I could have bought Tom a car with the money I’ve spent on flowers since he died.
“My parents kindly paid for the funeral because I couldn’t afford to. The death of a child is devastating in so many ways. Nobody should have to choose a coffin for their son or daughter and know they will never see their grandchildren.”
While Tina admits her own progress has been painfully slow (“how do you cope with excruciating pain?”) she has recently rediscovered her love of gardening.
“I just left the garden to grow wild at first. I couldn’t care about it. Then we saw Alan Titchmarsh on the TV making a garden in memory of a family member and we started work on our own plot. It was terribly overgrown but now I’m getting obsessive about it and also growing things in the greenhouse again.”
Anybody is welcome to attend Step by Step sessions, no matter where they live or what type of bereavement they are suffering from. Meetings are generally held on the first Tuesday of the month, but it’s a good idea to make initial contact with Maria on 01827 895670 or Richard on 01827 738105. Step by Step members would like to offer a special thank you to St Martin’s Church for giving the group a free home and also to the Tamworth Co-operative Society for financial support with marketing.
“Those two organisations make it possible for us to continue helping bereaved parents,” said Maria.
“We’re extremely lucky – and very grateful – to have their backing.”
